How lucky we are!

This blog is sort of journal for me to write down what's been happening with my family but also to write down some of what I'm feeling. It's also great to be able to look back on one day.

There are good weeks and bad weeks in parenting for everyone. It really is one of the toughest jobs you'll ever do.  It's such an enormous responsibility and can sometimes be very overwhelming. To think that your raising these little people and shaping who they become. We all want our kids to grow up to be confident and happy. I know that we want this for our boys. They mean everything to us and there is nothing we wouldn't do for them.

Jack is 4 days old.

My weeks can be very up and down. Those that I'm close to know I suffer from terrible anxiety sometimes. A couple of weeks ago I had a great week with the kids. One of those weeks where everything just runs smoothly. Everything feels easier. I manage to stick with our routines, take the boys out, get them to have their sleeps, play, get the house work done, cooked dinner and it all feels alot more effortless. Then almost feels out of nowhere my anxiety returns. When I'm feeling anxious my whole body seems to get affected I feel sick, my body feels heavy, head foggy, I'm impatient and yell more then I like or care to admit.  I can feel like this for a few days, a week or sometimes a couple of weeks. When I'm like this everything is hard and the boys seem to pick up on my energy and they play up more which only heightens my anxiety. It's very hard to shake it off. Then it just lifts I'm not even sure what changes it. When I'm at my best it really is amazing to see the difference in the boys. I've really taken notice of it a few times now so I certainly believe they're picking up on my feelings and I guess it's also that I am probably more present with them during these times when I'm feeling good.


William is 4 days old.

 Not so long ago I read a book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. For at least a week after I felt sooo great not sure I've ever felt better. The reason being is because for that time I managed to stay out of my head or out of my thoughts. It's amazing how you can feel when you stop doing this. Not easy to do but when I read this book it' like I had a brief awakening. I've been trying to get back there since. Anyway that week I could not believe the difference in the boys. We virtually had no tantrums for over a week, they were being really loving and kind to each other. Out of nowhere Jack would say I love you Mum. I believe they could sense the difference in me and they were happy. Jack has always been a very sensitive soul. Having the two parents he does one of them had to be. Jack was only 18mths old when Will was born. When I came home after he was born I had the post baby blues pretty bad for a few days and could not stop crying. I remember Jack coming up to me and giving me a cuddle and saying it's ok Mum. I believe it's unusual for child this age to do this and show real compassion like that. He's always been this way with me if I'm upset he'd come into my room and say are you ok Mum do you want a cuddle, god bless him. I reckon he'll always look out for his Mum.

Lucas is 3 days old.

So as I said that week was amazing. The reason it had such an effect on the boys is because I was being completely present with them. I wasn't thinking about anything in the past that had happened or anything in the future that might happen or what I might have to get done etc I was just purely concentrating on what was happening in the moment. It's a huge weight off your shoulders when you live this way. If you haven't read any of his books I urge you to do so. I found it a real eye opener. I honestly had never thought of living other then through my thoughts and that that's who I was what I was thinking. Anyway you should read them.

Now these last two weeks I've really struggled with the kids. Sometimes it's very overwhelming having the three of them and  trying to do everything. I am very hard on myself and worry so much whether I'm doing a good job for them. Too much thinking. I know I'm a good Mum because I care enough to keep trying and I'd never stop because we've been blessed with three of the most beautiful little boys and they mean everything to me. When I imagined my children before we had them I couldn't have imagined three more perfect boys. I really should cherish the good and bad times because one day I'll miss all their mess, demanding and fights.

Although in saying I think I'm a good Mum I didn't feel like it yesterday. I had a lady ask me in Woolworth's what Lucas's middle name was and for the life of me I couldn't think of it. How terrible is that! I just had a complete mind blank. I then ran into her in the next isle and finally I'd remembered and had to tell her and said I'm feeling like such a bad mother not even remembering my sons name. She was so nice and said she could tell I was a good Mum because Lucas is such a happy baby. Fancy not remembering your sons name though!

This week we decided to try Will two days a week at family day care. He really enjoys going and on the 2nd day that Jack goes to preschool Will was kind of bored and kept asking to pick Jack up early. It means I have a bit more time to get things done and have a little bit of me time and some more time just with Lucas. I also felt for me it would be good to have that extra day.  One day just went so quickly and I spent it just getting the groceries done and a few other things. I really just need that break from them and I'm lucky we can afford to do it. The boys are both enjoying going and then I'm abit happier from having a bit of a break. Mind you I still have Lucas with me but at the age he is he's pretty easy. Today was my first day and I've really enjoyed having the day at home with Lucas and managed to catch up on some of my housework. I felt alot more patient with the boys tonight. I think this could work for me.  Ben joked why don't I just send them all off to boarding school and be done with it. Now there's a thought!

We have three amazing little boys!!

Leanne xx